Thank goodness for roller derby.

I have a bad temper. It's a beautiful send-off my birthmother gave me from birth. My temper breaks, I am very liable to break things. I've broken a blackboard, furniture, my hand once... You get the gist. These days, I am able to keep my temper in check, because of these two beautiful words: roller derby.

The ability I have to harness my anger into a can opener, is phenomenal. Three practices a week, and I am happy and free as a bird. Zero anger, but lots of pain. My outbreaks haven't taken a toll on me for a while now, but my body hates the pain that I inflict on it playing derby to try to hinder my temper. Derby is a rough sport. In fact, it fucking hurts. It's not even the other team half the time that cause the bruises on my body. I had a wicked bruise and a cut from a teammate (my jammer) taking a hip-whip off of me. My body hates roller derby, but my heart and mind absolutely love it.

I used to have to watch which conversations I engage in, and on which days. Mondays were terrible. Any conversation, even about bunnies, would spike my blood pressure on Mondays. Now, I welcome Mondays with a morning trip to the gym to feed my need for physicality. I love my new-found freedom from my temper. It was holding me hostage, and I hated every second of it. Now, with derby, I can unleash all my temper in a constructive manner. Finally.


Someday I am going to look back at this day and say, "damn, you were a fool."

However... Today is not that day. Nor is tomorrow.


"We accept the love we think we deserve."

This is a quote I found during my tumultuous first semester of my Junior year. The same semester where I broke up with a girlfriend, seduced a man then didn't bank, had a 38-hour long relationship, supposedly molested a girl in her sleep, and almost died on Halloween. During the waves of bad decision-making, vomit, tears, sweat, and anger I found that quote. I didn't fully understand the full nature of this quote until very recently when a whopper literally fell into my lap.

Imagine this scenario:
You've been single and consequently celibate for a little over a year. No one seems to be interested in either a one-night experience or a relationship. You begin to tell yourself that the next town you settle in, you'll find someone. You suddenly yourself constantly surrounded by cute couples and very attractive people. You're angry and horny all the time, and there is no relief from either of these feelings. Then, out of the blue, out of seemingly nowhere, something happens to you. A very attractive person begins telling you that you are perfect, surreal, beautiful, that you take their breath away. The flattery is amazing, but you're not sure why this is happening to you at the most inopportune time in your life. They are seemingly perfect, saying and doing everything right. This person calms you, knows you, and balances you out in every aspect of your life. They are sexy, flattering, gorgeous, smart, and everything you believe you deserve in a lover.
You're leaving this town soon... Going to make a new home for yourself in a different state. Do you accept this love even though you cannot cultivate and keep it? Do you accept this love, which is one you've deserved all of your life and one you've never received from another person?

I'm going to damn well try my best. :)


I think I keep on posting 2010 in my subjects on here. I've had to go back and edit many of them...

This is the time of year that I absolutely hate.
T minus 13 days until utter humiliation... a.k.a. Valentine's day.

Here's the problem with it.
If you're not in a relationship, you're embarrassed, upset, and lonely.
If you're in a relationship there's like this expectation, and if you don't meet it you're embarrassed, mad at yourself, and destined to be lonely.
What the heck is with that?

To be continued....