Have you ever had a dream you can't just shake?
The kind that even though you've tried a million times to get back to, it's just out of your reach?
The details begin to blur, colors fade, and your thoughts become clearer.
Vividity, if that's a word, is something most people seek.
Something so clear and precise, you feel like you can reach out and touch it.
I'd gladly give my vividty away, so long as I don't
See what I saw.
Touch what I touched.
Dreamed what I dreamed.
I can't sleep, in fear it will happen again.
It can't happen again.
I need closure, though I fully have it.
My mind can't stop.
It is Torture.
What started innocently, is no longer innocent.
What started coherently, is now incoherent.
It's only in my mind, in my dreams, and in my thoughts.
No one around me knows the torture, how can they?
How would they even begin to understand?
Luckily, I'm doing better this time.
The words of death haven't been spoken.
I will not ruin this, this time.
I felt like I needed to write tonight in vague and weird terms. I even made a word up of my own. I've got a lot on my mind recently, and all its really affecting are my dreams. I had the craziest dream last night, and even though it was so long ago, it's taste still lingers. My subconscious brought to me a situation I want very badly to happen, though it should never, could never, and will never happen. Not sure what to do about it, since now it's all I can think of. Well, onto another day.
'Till the next upheaval.
12.10.10
Roller Derby: The one and only place besides France where it is not only accepted that women do not shave their arm pits, but it is expected and implemented as an intimidation tactic.
Roller Derby: Where men are men, women are men, and the sheep are afraid.
Roller Derby: Where men are men, women are men, and the sheep are afraid.
12.4.10
Sour Cream and Onion Chips. That's what I wanted.
I began to walk, first down my steps, then I took a right out my door.
The back roads was what I thought, I'd take them, it's nice out.
I walked a block, and then another, until I found myself lost.
I walked the streets, following only the sound of my feet.
It was perilously quiet, the kind everyone would like to keep.
Then came a house all alight with sparkling diamonds.
A white christmas tree, crackling fireplace, the works.
I took a mental picture with my hands, then let my feet do the talking.
I hit the lake, walked up the hill, and stood under the spotlight.
It must have looked like the perfect picture opportunity, the type you can't refuse.
A single solitary figure, spotlighted by her thoughts.
Looking out into a sea of black steel outlined by the faintest white wisps.
Then it started to snow.
Like magic the white came from the black.
It floated past me as a reveries often do.
I smiled as a tear rode its way down my cheek.
This was what I was searching for, a solitary reason to be.
Here it was.
I stood there for hours it seemed, lost in translation.
Cars found their destinations down the road behind me, while I stood transfixed.
When a lull occurred I took my leave.
I found another block, another street.
I saw across the street, there was nothing but white snow, so I blazed my own path in the deep white.
I stopped. Clicked. Moved on.
I found my chips in a convenience store down the road. It was filled with loud coeds.
I kept my head down, stayed out of the way.
They took my money, and I headed home.
I took the back roads. Another block, another street.
As I found my block, my street, I walked slowly.
Deep breaths took the cold outside and sliced my being.
Fireplace seared my nostrils and I thought of hearth and home.
The dreams people put together.
As I walked slowly there was a gaggle of girls I could hear. Drunken.
It was when I heard them, when I stopped.
I had never before felt so beautifully lonely in a place that I felt so beautifully at home.
I began to walk, first down my steps, then I took a right out my door.
The back roads was what I thought, I'd take them, it's nice out.
I walked a block, and then another, until I found myself lost.
I walked the streets, following only the sound of my feet.
It was perilously quiet, the kind everyone would like to keep.
Then came a house all alight with sparkling diamonds.
A white christmas tree, crackling fireplace, the works.
I took a mental picture with my hands, then let my feet do the talking.
I hit the lake, walked up the hill, and stood under the spotlight.
It must have looked like the perfect picture opportunity, the type you can't refuse.
A single solitary figure, spotlighted by her thoughts.
Looking out into a sea of black steel outlined by the faintest white wisps.
Then it started to snow.
Like magic the white came from the black.
It floated past me as a reveries often do.
I smiled as a tear rode its way down my cheek.
This was what I was searching for, a solitary reason to be.
Here it was.
I stood there for hours it seemed, lost in translation.
Cars found their destinations down the road behind me, while I stood transfixed.
When a lull occurred I took my leave.
I found another block, another street.
I saw across the street, there was nothing but white snow, so I blazed my own path in the deep white.
I stopped. Clicked. Moved on.
I found my chips in a convenience store down the road. It was filled with loud coeds.
I kept my head down, stayed out of the way.
They took my money, and I headed home.
I took the back roads. Another block, another street.
As I found my block, my street, I walked slowly.
Deep breaths took the cold outside and sliced my being.
Fireplace seared my nostrils and I thought of hearth and home.
The dreams people put together.
As I walked slowly there was a gaggle of girls I could hear. Drunken.
It was when I heard them, when I stopped.
I had never before felt so beautifully lonely in a place that I felt so beautifully at home.
12.3.10
The Routine.
Wake up dear, we're all alone.
Slip the music on and dance with me.
Get to the grind your own way.
Love me like you've never loved before.
It's funny how I never really needed you.
Until I lost you.
Wake dear, I'm all alone.
Slip my music on and cry with me.
Get to the grind in my way.
Love me like I've loved before.
It's funny how I never really needed you.
Until I had me.
Wake up dear, I'm all alone.
Slip my music on and dance.
Get to the grind at my own speed.
Love like I will love again someday.
It's funny how you never really needed me.
Until I found myself.
Comments? Let me know.
Wake up dear, we're all alone.
Slip the music on and dance with me.
Get to the grind your own way.
Love me like you've never loved before.
It's funny how I never really needed you.
Until I lost you.
Wake dear, I'm all alone.
Slip my music on and cry with me.
Get to the grind in my way.
Love me like I've loved before.
It's funny how I never really needed you.
Until I had me.
Wake up dear, I'm all alone.
Slip my music on and dance.
Get to the grind at my own speed.
Love like I will love again someday.
It's funny how you never really needed me.
Until I found myself.
Comments? Let me know.
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