8.26.10

Ten days of isolation. Well, pretty much anyway.

Ever since grad classes ended, I've been practically alone. It's given me a lot of time to reflect on things. Mainly, that I need some serious mental help.

Sure, Abby stayed a few nights, and Aaron came for a few days, and Lindsay has called. Preferably for some reason, I want to be left alone.

I don't know what it is. There are some days when I am fine in my own right, then others where I would absolutely love to have something to live for other than my career.

Maybe that's just it. Maybe God is trying to tell me that I just need to get my feet planted squarely on some solid ground somewhere that isn't Oswego, and then my life can start.

I miss Jo. I miss her so much it breaks my heart. Still. I thought it would pass after two months, but the pain is still there. I go to sleep hoping and praying that the pillows next to me will be her the next night. And that someday she's just gonna walk up those stairs and turn the door handle to our apartment.

But there's a flaw in that dream. A huge flaw. She has always seen me, even in our relationship, as a friend. And that's what she wants back, her best friend.
I loved her, I want that back and not a friendship. So, does that make me a bad person?

I feel guilty every single day that I'm not able to take the friend out of girlfriend, and I wish that my puny excuse for a brain could realize that if I could do just that, I would at least have her back in my life.



But all I can think about it holding her again......




Maybe I should rename this blog, The Life of a Poor Excuse for a Person. Wouldn't that be poetic.